Pokemon: Normandy
by Full-Paragon
Summary: When Tali'Zorah and John Shepard decide to tell the Star Child just where he can stuff it, a strange being steps in and gives the Mass Effect Universe the ending it never asked for. Now, Tali'Zorah is on a pokemon adventure with John Shepard, to stop the sinister (but silly) Team Cerberus and challenge the pokemon league.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 74: The Bitter End

_Unna'Koris: You have never spoken about what you and Shepard found on the Crucible._

_Tali'Zorah: Now is the time to break that silence. The truth must be known._

"Well," John said, dropping the Cain and looking up at the blue beam. "This is it."

"We can do this." Tai assured him, and together, they stepped into the light.

**welcome i have been waiting a long time for you**

For a moment, Tali blacked out from hearing the voice. When she awoke, she and John were standing in a brightly lit chamber with three pedestals.

**so someone finally arrived that's good i've been lonely**

Before Tali floated a glowing child, who giggled and smiled at her.

**hello tali or should i say mother**

"What are you?" Tali demanded, drawing her pistol and pointing it at the strange being.

**i am the catayst congratulations you are a winner**

"What do you mean, we're a winner. And what's the Catalyst?" John demanded, floating over to Tali's side.

**i am the being the controls the reapers i've been so lonely**

"You are responsible for all this? You're the one that's killed all those billions, trillions, uncountable masses?"

**i just wanted someone to play with but now that you're here you can choose**

Keeping her pistol trained on the projection, Tali looked around the room. It was featureless, a white bowl with no entry or exit. "Choose what?"

**well i've got red lasers blue lasers and since you did so good green lasers you can also shoot me but i wouldn't recommend that**

Tali and John exchanged glances. "Lasers?"

**magic space lasers they are soooooo coooool**

"You're serious about this?"

**well yeah the reapers are run by a freaking eight year old that's been bored out of its skull ever since that bastard meteor took out the dinosaurs**

"These lasers, do they do anything?"

**well they all pretty much do the same thing but the red ones blow up the reapers the blue ones let you control the reapers and the green ones let you do a fusion dance with the reapers the green ones are the best because they are in the middle**

Tali and John shared another look, then together emptied their thermal clips into the glowing child.

**are you freaking retarded this is just a projection fine ill choose my own damn lasers i pick red because thats my favorite color**

Tali's whole world suddenly burned and turned read.

_Well crap, I wasn't planning on this._

"Jeebus?" Tali gasped.

_Huh? Oh, no, this is Full-Paragon the author. Jeebus is on a break for today._

"Full-Paragon? What are you, a Reaper?"

_Oh no I'm the author._

"The author? Are you God the Father?"

_HELLS NO! I'm the one writing this story. Sorry, I just wasn't planning on having April 1 be an update day._

"What are you babbling about?"

_Man, and only about 500 words. Time for some padding! Hmm, let's see, spin the cross over chart like so... Ah ha! Ok, here you go, enjoy your time in Johto!_

"WHAT IS GOING ON!"

Tali's world spun and shrunk, and when she came too, things felt... Different. How she didn't know but it was all changed. Just as she was ready to stand up, the door burst open.

"Happy birthday Tali!" A happy woman's voice called. A familiar woman's voice. In a moment, Tali was out of bed and hugging the woman for all she was worth, tears streaming down her face.

"Mom! Oh mother, you're alive! This must be heaven, I'm so... I haven't seen you in years! Haven't told you how much I love you! Are you proud of me? Did we win? Are the geth OK? What about the quarians, did they make it?"

Gentle arms encircled Tali. "Tali, are you alright? I saw you last night, before you went to bed. Of course the geth are alright, in fact, your friends Lamentations and Legion are waiting for you down stairs. And why on earth would anything be wrong with the quarians? We're just fine. And I don't know about winning, but if you don't hurry, all the good Pokémon will be taken!"

Drying her tears, Tali stepped back and looked up at her mother's face. Her real face. It was so wonderful, to see her glowing eye's and n'sai lines, to be able to feel her skin and touch the fabric of her dress. "Mom, what's a Pokémon?"

Frowning, her mother reached down and felt Tali's forehead. "Hmmm, you seem to be alright. Mo-Mo, come over here please!"

"Chansey!"

A strange, pink blob with two beady eyes and an egg in a pouch waddled into the room.

"Will you use softboiled on Tali please Mo-Mo?"

"Chan!"

The pink blob suddenly glowed green, and Tali felt a rush of life energy enter her body.

"There! Thank you Mo-Mo! Come on Tali, your friends are waiting."

Her mother left, and Tali glanced around and found a set of clothes laid out. As she changed, Tali realized that her body was rather underdeveloped. With a start, Tali realized she was about the same height as when her mom died, and couldn't be more then about eleven years old. There was even a strange undergarment set out for her, which after a moment Tali realized was a girls training bra, from what she had seen while shopping with Kelly and Liara. It took her a minute to get it on, Tali had never had to wear undergarments before, but it seemed to fit.

"What is going on here?" Tali muttered, glancing at herself in her bedroom's mirror. "Is this heaven, or somewhere else?"

Once she was dressed, Tali headed downstairs, taking in the sights of her house. It was definitely quarian in design and matched the rounded curves and low, domed ceilings she had seen on Rannoch. Pictures of her as a child with her mother and father adorned the walls, and it was a bit of a shock to see what she had looked like as a girl, sans suit. It was even more shocking to see a grinning boy with her in many pictures, a tall, handsome boy with a much younger Hannah Shepard.

"John?" Tali whispered, staring at a picture of a picnic where the two of them were playing catch with their mothers.

"Yes, that's Johnny, he's probably already at the-"

"TALI! TALI ARE YOU HERE!" The door slammed open to reveal a red faced, panting John, behind whom miniature versions of Lamentations and Legion stood, their head petals splayed back in shock.

John ran across the floor and Tali met him halfway, laughing and crying. "Oh Tali, you're here! You're alright!"

"John, what happened? I remember a voice, then suddenly I was here." Tali broke away, hooking her arm into John's and turning to her mother. "John, this is my mother, Kleeah'Zorah vas Rayya."

A bemused expression passed over Tali's mother's face, then she nodded to John. "It is good to meet you again, Johnny Shepard. I am afraid my daughter has caught a case of the bosh'tet today. You seem a little excited, ready to get your Pokémon."

"The fuck is a Pokémon," John whispered to Tali.

Nodding over at Mo-Mo, who was waddling down the stairs, Tali whispered, "I think it's one of those things."

"Riiiiight. That looks like something someone scrapped off the bottom of a sample tray at a Cerberus lab."

"Hey, if I get my mother and father back, Pokémon can be whatever they want."

"Well, let me get a picture of the four of you! Come in Lam, come in Legi!"

The two geth trooped in, and Lamentations nodded to Tali. "Ready to get your Pokémon Tals?"

"What did you just call me?" Tali asked, frowning at the black... well, child geth?

"Tals? You know, your nick name?"

"Not Mother?"

"Man Tals, why would I call you mommy? You know our mom is Glados."

'"Our mom?"' John asked, looking at Legion.

"Duh. We're twins. You know that, why are you too being so weird? Don't you want your Pokémon?"

John groaned and shook his head. "I just want some medi gel for my headache."

"Medi-what? Just ask Mo-Mo to softboil you," Lamentations pointed out.

That was when Tali's mother came back with the camera. "Smile, and say Pidgey!"

"Pidgey?"

The camera flashed, and Tali had to blink for a moment, then she was being herded out the door by her mom. "Alright you kids, head over to professor Saren's lab, he's got your Pokémon just waiting since it's all of your eleventh birthdays!"

"Saren? Here?" Tali asked, spinning to face her mother.

Her mom frowned and nodded. "Well yes, he's the resident Pokémon professor here in Rayya."

"Damn, do you have any weapons for us?" John asked.

"Weapons! What are you-"

"Guess not, come on John, we have to stop Saren!"

With that, the two of them broke into a run, and Tali turned to Lamentations. "Come on Lamentations, you have to show us where Saren is! If you have any weapon caches around here, now would be a good time to show us!"

"What, like a stick or something?" Lamentations called, huffing to try to catch up to Tali. Which made no sense, how could a geth run out of breath?

"I was hoping for something more like a shotgun or a missile launcher!"

"What's a shot gun?"

Tali ran faster, trying to out speed whatever insanity had just occurred.

It didn't take long for her and John to find the Pokémon lab, a crowd of children was gathered around.

"Hey, Johnny! Tali!" A flanging turian voice called, and Tali spied what had to be a younger version of Garrus waving at her.

Stopping to catch their breath, John and Tali nodded to Garrus. "Please tell me you know what's going on, Vakarian." John gasped.

"Vakarian? Huh? Well yeah I know, today we get our Pokémon! This is gonna be so awesome! I think we should be rivals! I want a Chikorita, grass Pokémon are awesome!"

"It's affecting him too," Tali whispered, and John reluctantly nodded.

"Yeah, we should do that Garrus."

"Of course! We're best friends, aren't we?"

John grabbed Garrus and gave him a hug, causing the turian to squeal in protest.

"There's no Shepard without Vakarian." John whispered in a rough voice. "You were always there for me Garrus. Thank you."

"Johnny and Garrus sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Two female voices chanted, then burst into giggles. Tali turned, astonished to see Miranda and Liara together and laughing at John and Garrus. They were probably lost causes as well.

"Stand aside you little pyjaks, move over!" A gruff old voice rumbled as Urdnot Wrex waded through the crowd. "Alright, what's going on here, Shepard? And you better have some answers."

"Uncle Wrex!" Tali gasped, running over and taking one of the old krogan's massive claws in her tiny hand.

"Little Tali?" Wrex rumbled, leaning down to get a good look at her. "Huh. Didn't recognize you without that suit on."

"Apparently, I don't need it. Wrex, what is going on?"

"The hell if I know. But I beat that Full-Paragon guy into giving me one of those Pokémon. A good one too, I wrestled my Tyranitar earlier, tough old bastard, but not as tough as me!"

"You talked with the voice, with Full-Paragon?" Tali asked.

"Yeah, apparently he wanted to kiddify me and have me go on 'an epic Pokémon journey' but I kicked his ass. I didn't get this old to be reduced to a juvenile again. Apparently it worked for Bakara too, though she doesn't remember anything. And well..."

"DAAAAAAADDDDDDD. Stop it, you're embaaaaarraassssing me in front of all my friend!"

Wrex sighed. "And I sort of have kids. Meet the oldest. Ugh, Mordin. At least she's a girl."

A krogan girl, in of all things, a pink dress with pink shoes and a pink head band, came around Wrex.

"Dad, why are you making fun of my name again? Don't make me head butt you."

"Kid, I would like to see you- OOFFFF!"

True to her word, Mordin head butted Wrex it a sensitive area for a male krogan. Right in the quad.

Groaning, Wrex slowly stood. "Damn. Maybe having a girl ain't all bad. You got a quad, kid, or at least you got mine."

"Hey, Mordin, your dad giving you a hard time?" A raspy, familiar voice asked, and Grunt stepped up beside Mordin. He was also a child, and once again, Tali felt herself reduced to tears.

"Oh Jeebus, Grunt..."

John took her hand and squeezed. "I know. I just spotted Ash."

"You're kidding."

"No, she's with who has to be Kaiden. They're arguing about the merits of fire vs. water type Pokémon." John nodded over to a pair of kids, and sure enough, a young Ashley was arguing with an equally junior Kaiden.

"But Typholosion has a high special attack AND speed!" Ash was saying.

"True, but it can't match Feraligator in sheer strength!"

Looking around, Tali spotted all their friends, even two boys that had to be younger versions of Zaeed and Jacob. "Maybe this place isn't so bad. Everyone is alive."

"Yeah. But I don't think it's heaven."

Suddenly, the whole world drained of color and paused.

"Yeahhhhh. About that." An overweight, bearded human, about 25 or so years of age in blue pants and a t-shirt that read "excellence starts with learning,' appeared before them.

"A-HA!" Wrex sprang over and grabbed the human, putting his claws to the man's neck. "So YOU'RE the pyjak that did this!"

"I can explain! I can explain!" The human gasped, struggling in Wrex's iron grasp. And seriously wondering about the wisdom of an author avatar when a certain krogan had ALREADY kicked his ass. Oh, sorry Tali, my bad, back to your perspective.

Walking over, John put his hand on Wrex's arm. "Easy there, let's hear what he has to say first."

"Hmph. Fine." Gently, Wrex set down the human, who was shaking with fright.

"Explain yourself, why are John and I kids? Why do only Wrex and the two of us know what's happening?" Tali demanded.

The man held up his hands. "Whoa, easy there. This was all a bit of a mix up. I accidently created a branch reality. It sort of happened when all my readers were complaining that too many people had died, and well, the ending fabric got torn and you ended up in another dimension."

"What, do you expect us to believe you're God or something?"

"Oh no, just an author. I didn't even create you, you're just characters in my story."

"Watch your words, human. This krogan already beat you to within an inch of your life."

"Ok! Ok! But seriously, is this place I made for you so bad? All your friends are alive, there is mostly no Reapers, everything is all rainbows and sunshine. No pain cookies at all!"

Tali glanced at John, who frowned slightly. "Well, I guess. Wrex?"

"Hmph. If Bakara has had as many kids as I think she has, and I'm pretty sure I'm even the father, get that, then there's no genophage. And no one seems really biased against krogan. This place has got my approval. What about you Tali?"

"Everyone seems to treat geth and quarian like they're ordinary people. I've got no complaints, except maybe that I'm a kid again. But I got my mom back, so worth it."

"Agreed." John nodded. "This place isn't actually so bad. But what about that 'mostly no Reaper's' bit?"

Glancing at a bare wrist, Full-Paragon slapped his forehead. "Oh would you look at the time! It's spoilers o'clock! Oh, and if you like this, make sure to leave a review!" With a sudden snap, the strange human was gone and the world was moving again.

Wrex stood back and folded his arms, suddenly frowning when he saw Grunt and Mordin holding hands. "Hey, paws off my daughter shrimp! You may have killed a maw, but that doesn't me you can get handsy with my girl!" He roared, stomping over and glaring at Grunt, who laughed and glared right back.

Taking John's hand, Tali smiled at him. "I like it here."

"Yeah. I think I do too."

Just then, the door flew open, and out stepped Saren Arterius in a white lab coat. "Welcome, boys and girls and OOOFFF!"

With a single motion, John, Tali and Wrex had all jumped Saren. John had the turian by the mandible, so that a single twist could cause him crippling pain. Tali had her foot over the turian's sensitive diaphragm, one of the few areas on a turian's body not covered by thick metal plating. Wrex just had his claws around his throat.

"Talk, where are the Reapers! Where is Nazara?" John shouted, twisting the mandible just enough to cause pain.

"I don't know what you are talking about, please, if you want your Pokémon that badly, you can go first! I was going to give them away anyway!" Saren babbled.

"Oh really? Is that what you think, SPECTER?" Wrex growled. "What about my people? You were breeding an army!"

"A what?" Saren babbled, his voice warping with pain.

"And the geth! What did you do to the geth!" Tali shouted.

Saren's eyes flashed between the three, confusion painted thick on his face. "I was... Going to give them Pokémon?"

Slowly, John released the mandible. "I think he's telling the truth. The change must have affected him as well."

Letting her foot up, Tali reluctantly nodded. It did seem the former rogue specter had no memory of his former crimes.

"I think we should kill him anyway. On principle." Wrex rumbled, tightening his claws enough to draw a trickled of blood.

"No killing anyone unless they deserve it." John barked, slapping away Wrex's claws. Tali almost laughed, here was a small human boy, giving a massive krogan orders. And the krogan was taking them, abet reluctantly.

"Fine. But if he does anything, he's varren meat."

Reaching down, John helped Saren to his feet. "Sorry about that, ah, professor. You looked like a um, evil person I once met."

Dusting himself off, Saren glanced at the three worriedly. "Um, alright. Can I give out the Pokémon now? Birthday is my favorite day, after all."

"It's seriously everyone's birthday today?" Tali asked, glancing at the crowd of shocked and cowed children behind her.

Saren nodded, clearly ready to move and already having forgiven the three misplaced people. "Of course! It's first day of spring, Birthday!"

"Weird." John said, shaking his head. "So, we get a Pokémon?"

Happily nodding, Saren waved everyone into the lab. "Yes! Come on children, inside, I have enough for all of you!"

A cheer went up, and the kids happily trooped in after Saren. Wrex tagged along, growling at Grunt whenever he got too close to Mordin.

Inside, there were three large platforms, on top of which were piled small red and white balls. Behind each of the platforms stood two creatures. At the first platform there were two giant green monsters with flowers on their necks, grinning dopily at all the children. At the second, two sleek black creatures stood side by side, their fangs poking out of their mouths as they nodded to all the children. At the last, huge blue lizard things with massive claws and tails wagged at the children.

"Alright, you all know what I have here!" Saren laughed, gesturing to the piles of balls. "Come now, there's enough for everyone! I raised these Pokémon myself, and hatched all the eggs! Inside you will find either a chikorita, a cyndaquil, or a totodile. Take whichever Pokémon you want, but remember kids, only one each so there is enough to go around!"

"I want a gosh darn totodile!" Zaeed shouted, running over and grabbing a ball from the platform guarded by the blue monsters.

Taking a ball from the pile guarded by the black and tan creatures, Ash hugged it tight. "My very own cyndaquil!"

"Yes! Plant Pokémon forever!" Garrus crowed, grabbing a chikorita as the beaming monster parents looked on.

The other child-forms of the Normandy's crew, including a wheelchair bound Joker, pushed by a girl that had to be EDI, ran up and grabbed their own pokeballs.

"Oh, I love them all so much!" A pigtail bearing red head that had to be Kelly moaned. "How can I chose! Tali, you pick one, I'll take whatever you don't."

"Um, OK." Tali walked over and on a whim, grabbed a cyndaquil. If Ash liked it, it would be good enough for her.

John took a totodile, and Kelly grabbed a chikorita. "Yay! Come on you two, let's have a battle in the arena with the other kids!"

Together, John and Tali followed Kelly into an adjacent room that seemed to be some sort of sparing ground. Many of the other kids had miniature versions of the monsters they had just seen out, and the little creatures fought as their owners cheered on. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, and Tali watched in fascination as Mordin and Karen Chakwas's little creatures duked it out.

"Stanly claw! Aim for base of stem weak point in species," Mordin (the salarian, not the krogan) ordered.

"Toto!" his little beast growled, running forward to slash at the green plant monster Karen had chosen.

"Counter with growl Prim!" Karen countered, and the two creatures clashed as their owners cheered them on.

"This seems a little harsh, isn't it a bit cruel to force these baby animals to fight like this?" Tali asked Kelly as they approached an open spot.

"What? Pokémon love to fight!" Kelly answered, letting her own creature out of its ball. Tali was impressed, she had no idea such a large creature could fit into such a small ball. "I'm naming mine Ivy!" Kelly declared, pulling the chikorita into a hug.

"Chika!"

"Um, how does it fit into such a small container?" John asked, pointing the tiny ball and the sizeable creature.

"Duh, it's stored digitally. Didn't you pay attention in class," Garrus said, coming up behind John. "Come on dude, let's battle!"

"Er, alright, but you might have to walk me through it."

"Ha! John Shepard, ace student, doesn't know how to have a Pokémon battle! Sure, I'll teach you!" Garrus assured, leading John away to spar.

Tali let her own little creature out of its ball, finding a small, squinty eyed creature that reminded her of a variety of pest that occasionally got into fleet food stores.

"Hmm, I need a name for you," Tali murmured, looking down at the little creature. It was hers after all, and she was sort of excited to have her very own pet. Quarian children often dreamed of having a pet drone, but a living creature was beyond their wildest imaginings. Or at least, that was how it had been on the fleet. Things were different now.

"Cyndi!" The little creature stated, and suddenly it's back lit on fire, then snuffed out.

"Whoa, that was impressive! Tr'zul it is! That's keelish for big fire."

"Quil!" The creature squeaked, then jumped up into Tali's arms and rubbed its head against her arm.

"Guess you like it!" Tali laughed.

"Ok, let's have a battle!" Kelly urged, taking a dozen steps back from Tali.

"How do we do that?" Tali asked, hugging Tr'zul tightly. "And will she get hurt?"

"Quil!" Tr'zul hopped down and started up her flame for a moment before it guttered out again.

Tali laughed nervously. "Well, you seem eager to fight at least. Are you sure?"

"Cyndaquil!" Tr'zul nodded to Tali, then turned back to face Ivy.

"Ok Tali, pull up Cyndiquil on your omnitool, it should be updated with Tr'zul's data. Start off with the beginner moves, you don't want to try anything too complicated until Tr'Zul is stronger and more experienced." Kelly called.

"Ok." Tali's omnitool looked the same as it always had, but there were quite a few programs on it she didn't recognize, and none of the ones she did. She did fine the "My Pokémon" app, and pulled up Tr'zul on the window. It showed a list of moves, categorized as beginner, trained, expert and advanced. On her beginner list were four moves, tackle, leer, smokescreen and ember. Each had a difficulty rating, with tackle and leer rated as a 1, smokescreen as a 2, and ember as a three.

"Better stick to tackle and leer." Tali muttered, pulling up the data on them. Tackle was self explanatory, Tr'zul would attempt to slam into her opponent to deal damage. Whatever "deal damage" meant. Leer lowered the foes resolve, weakening their defense.

"Got it. Ready Kelly!" Tali called.

"Ok! Ivy, hit her with a tackle!"

"Dodge to the left and use a leer! Go for the optics, Tr'zul!"

The cyndiquil managed to get out of Ivy's path, and shot a red glowing beam from its eyes, causing the chikorita to wince and shudder.

"Don't let that slow you down Ivy! Tackle!"

This time Ivy connected, smashing into Tr'zul.

"Hit back! Tackle Tr'zul!" Tali shouted.

"Cyndi!" Tr'zul hit Ivy back hard, forcing the green Pokémon away.

Kelly didn't miss a beat, ordering, "Respond with growl Ivy!"

The low sound Ivy emitted seemed to cause Tr'zul to pause, as if unsure if it was safe to attack.

"Leer, then tackle!" Tali cheered, getting into the rhythm of the battle. "Aim for the legs, hit her off balance!"

"Tackle her right back Ivy!"

The two Pokémon clashed, and the trainers cheered their Pokémon on.

"Don't stop, Tr'zul! Tackle that bosh'tet one more time, you've got her on the ropes!"

With a mighty squeak, Tr'zul slammed into Ivy, knocking her foe aside. Ivy struggled to rise, then collapsed, fainting away.

"Awww!" Kelly ran forward and took her Pokémon into her arms, taking her over to a strange machine. "Good fight Ivy! I'm so proud of you!"

Kelly put her mon back in her ball, then laid it on the machine and pressed a button. With a few beeps, the machine glowed, then fell silent. Tali took the ball from the machine and attached it to a magnet on her belt. "Good work Ivy, you rest now."

Tali returned Tr'zul to her own ball, and used the machine as well. "This heals them?"

"Yep! Works on people too, though we usually have a bigger one. The wonders of modern medicine!"

"Um, yeah..." Tali attached her own pokeball to her belt and walked over to John and Garrus, who were healing their own Pokémon.

"Good battle! Man, I thought Archangel had it there at the end, but your Fezzik pulled through!" Garrus was saying, slapping John on the back.

Smiling at Tali, John came over and gave her a hug, taking the chance to whisper in her ear. "That was actually kind of fun. Better than chess with Traynor, anyway. This world seems pretty nice."

"Yeah. I could get used to it. Growing up with the crew, no Reapers..."

Just then, the plot kicked in. I mean the lights went out. The children cried in panic, and Tali clung to John tightly. "What's happening?" She whispered.

"Don't be frightened children..." An eerily familiar voice called.

"Just prepare for trouble, and make it double!" An equally disturbingly recognizable voice called.

A spot light came on, highlighting Aria T'Lok in a strange white uniform with a giant orange "C" on it. "To protect the world from devastation..."

"To unite all people's within this nation..." Kai-Leng growled as he was also light up by a spot light, leaning against Aria's back. To Tali's shock, he was dressed the same as Aria, and was smelling from an enormous red flower of all things.

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!" Aria cackled.

"To extend our reach to the stars above!" Kai-Leng declared, inhaling deeply of the flower.

"Aria!"

"Kai-Leng!"

The two raised their hands, clasping together. "TEAM CERBERUS!"

"TEAM CERBERUS BLASTING OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" Aria crowed, as a strange looking purple snake dropped down from the ceiling and coiled itself around her shoulders.

Tossing the rose aside, Kai-Leng caught a purple ball with a skull and crossbones and a stupid looking grin. "SURRENDER NOW OR PERPARE TO FIGHT!"

A small beige cat creature dropped in front of the two posing villains and winked at the kids. "Meowth, I'm Khalisah al-Jilani! And that's right!"

"I CHOOSE FIGHT!" With a roar of rage, Urdnot Wrex barreled into the three, causing a huge explosion for some reason that caused the strangers and their Pokémon to be launched through the roof, creating perfect silloets.

"TEAM CERBERUS IS BLASTED OFF, BUT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF US!"

With a twinkle, the three disappeared into the blue sky.

"HA! That'll show 'em." Wrex grunted. "Wonder what those idiots wanted."

"Oh thank the spirits!" A worried looking Saren appeared behind Wrex. "Those villains knocked me down and said there were here to steal all the kids Pokémon! Thanks for saving them Mr. Urdnot!"

"Seriously? Cerberus was here, and they just wanted to steal those little things?" Wrex asked, turning to face Saren.

"Oh yes!" The professor nodded furious. "Team Cerberus is a famous ring of Pokémon Thieves, run by-"

"Let me guess," John answered, stepping forward. "The Illusive Man?"

"Yes!" Saren nodded vigorously. "I'm just glad Mr. Urdnot was here to save us."

"So, what now?" Tali asked, coming forward to stand by John.

"Why, now you all go on a Pokémon adventure!" Saren cheered, throwing his arms wide open. "Travel throughout the land and collect badges, then compete in the Pokémon league! Oh, how I love Birthdays!"

John shrugged. "Eh, sure, why not. Sounds interesting. You up for it Tali?"

"Maybe tomorrow. Today, I want to spend time with my mom."

"Agreed. How about this, I'll get my mom to have the two of you over for dinner! I'd love to spend time with your family!"

"Man, what is up with Johnny and Tals," Lamentations whispered behind them.

"Beats me," Jacob answered. "They've sure been acting weird today. Did you see them take down Professor Saren? They were like, ninja's or something!"

Ignoring the chatter behind them, Tali and John walked out hand in hand. "You know, this feels a little weird." John admitted to Tali once they were beyond everyone else's hearing. "But I sort of like it here."

Tali nodded, then glanced down at John's pants and frowned. "Yeah, though I do have one question for you."

"What's that?"

"When do human males go through puberty? I know I'm not due for another two years."

**Narrator: Aaaaand on that totally family unfriendly note, we're going to leave our two heroes What's going to happen next to our prospective Pokémon champions! Will they be able to get all the gym badges? What about the mysterious and nefarious Team Cerberus? Have we truly seen the last of them? Find out, on the next POKEMON: NORMANDY VERS-UGH!**

A door opened behind the narrator, and in stepped a tall, pale-faced man, dressed in blue camouflage. Unnoticed yet, he calmly pulls two red pens out of his pocket, takes one in each fist, and then drives them into the narrator's neck, causing the overdressed man by the mike to scream and fall out of the chair. "Alright, time to fix this story," he says, picking up the script.

"Hmm, current location, the street in some stupid village from a game series I've never played. Eh, could be worse," he mutters, snapping his fingers. John and Tali stop in shock as the new figure appears in the street. "I hate small towns," he mutters, back towards from them.

"He doesn't _look_ like that Full Paragon guy," Tali says suspiciously.

"I don't care. Let's take him!" John says, hurling his pokeball at the man's feet right as he turns around.

"Hey, now wait a second!" Jumping backwards, he pulls out a delete key, holding it in one hand and pressing it rapidly, and suddenly the pokeball is back on Shepard's belt. "Geez, give me a chance, here."

"A chance to do what, exactly?" Wrex rumbles as he comes up the street towards them.

He sighs, running a hand over his short hair. "I'm BlueNinja, FP's usual beta. I try to make sure he doesn't screw things up too badly. Usually that means spelling mistakes."

John and Tali exchanged a bewildered look. "Do what now?" John mutters.

"Little things, like making sure you aren't receiving 'you're Pokemon,' or adding commas so you're not talking like Mordin. The scientist, not the krogan," he explains, writing out the example in the air with a sharpie.

"And there's something wrong with a krogan scientist?" Wrex blusters.

"Er, not what I meant. Still, I have to get this back on track somehow. Which means sending you back to the Citadel," the ninja-man says, flipping to the end of the script and readying his pen.

**FP: Yeah, no. Geeze, you killed my narrator though. I'm retconing that little fiasco, but now I have to find a new Narrator! I know, I can just use you!**

**blu: Hey, I don't do Pokemon!**

**FP: To damn bad blu. You killed it, you bought it. YOU narrate now. **

**blu: You cannot be serious! **

**FP: Eh, I'm sure this will never catch on. Unless the fans want it. Then your screwed. **

**blu: *You're. **

**FP: Sigh. Fine, I'll fix it later.**

**blu: Really?**

**FP: No! SCREW YOU! YOU KILLED MY NARRATOR! **

_APRIL FOOLS! Serious chapter to go up tomorrow. And like I said, if you really like this, leave a review ;) maybe I'll do a spin off series someday._

_(And yes, I seriously wrote this as an April fool's joke. With a lot of help from my beta, even if he did stab me in the neck. I totally deserved it for this crack.)_

_Note to RockyCombo:_

_LET ME SPELL THINGS OUT FOR YOU. THIS WAS A JOKE. I changed my avatar, the picture for Keelah, and wrote this chapter, as a joke. For real. Now go read the chapter, I think it's pretty funny (but not as funny as your reaction to seeing my changed profile was)_


	2. Chapter 2

poke2

**"Last time, on Pokémon Normandy:  
*presses play on DVD player* "Damnit, Jack, this is why you don't stick your head into alien technology!"  
"Whoops, wrong one. Hold on."  
*presses play on other DVD player* "Oh yeah, baby, just like that."  
"Oh bother, that's not it either. Hmm. Let's try this one."  
*opens WinAmp* "Previously, on AMV Hell." *video of Shepard dancing, with audio of Rick Astley*  
"Eh, close enough."**

BLU! What was THAT? Your lines were: Last time, on Pokémon Normandy:  
Our heroes discovered the sinister plot of Team Cerberus, but Wrex intervened, sending them flying. Now, their Pokémon journey's are about to begin. Look out Johto, here comes Tali and John!

**Eh, I'm sure I'll get the right next time. **

Tail was HOME. Yes, it wasn't the house the geth had built for her back on Rannoch. No, it wasn't a place she was sharing with John as she had dreamed of. But her mother was here, and she was cooking dinner with Tali. For years, Tali had dreamed that when she opened her eyes in the morning, her mother would be laying there next to her, and that her death had all been just a bad dream.

"Now, stir in the ythil, slowly until the whole mixture is even."

And here she was, standing on a brightly colored stool, helping her mother make dinner for John and his mother. Well, two dinners, they obviously couldn't eat the same food, but that was OK.

"Cynda!"

And that was something else new. Tali reached down and fed some scraps to her tiny little Tr'zul, who eagerly snatched them up. She grinned up at her mother, who smiled and nodded. Life here was pretty good.

"So, where do you plan on going for your Pilgrimage? Are you going to challenge the Pokémon League, chase after a legendary Pokémon, or maybe enter in to a few contests."

Tali shrugged. "I'm going to talk to John about it. We'll be going together. That's OK with you, right mom?"

Really, Tali shouldn't have to ask her mother permission for anything, but she wasn't a grown woman anymore. Tali didn't really even feel like an adult any longer, and thinking about some higher level concepts was sort of difficult. Besides, when was it no longer appropriate to seek your mothers approval?

"Of course! Johnny's a good boy, you two have known each other since you were kids! I trust both of your judgments."

"Thanks, mom." Tali hugged her mother, just because she could. She was making up for lost time after all. "By the way, which city did you say father was in again?"

"Olivine City, by the sea. He's the leader of the steel gym. Don't expect earning the Mineral badge to be easy."

"Oh, I won't. I look forward to kicking that bosh'tet's ass."

"Tali!"

"Er, sorry mom. Long story. Let's just say father and I didn't part on happy terms."

Kleeah sighed and set her cooking aside, turning to face her daughter. "I know. Your father does love you Tali, I can promise you that. It's just sometimes his duties-"

"Come before his family? Yeah. I know. I'll just be glad to see him again."

For a while the two worked in silence, simply enjoying each other's company until the doorbell rang at dinner time. Tali hurried over to opening, smiling at John and his mother. "Welcome! Come on in, dinners just about ready!"

"Thanks for inviting us over." Hannah said, giving Tali divided bowl of dextrose and levo salad. "I confess, I thought the two of you would be long gone on your Pokémon journey by now."

"We decided to spend some time with family first." John laughed, giving Tali a hug.

It was strange, Tali was used to those hugs provoking an innate excitement and rush of hormones, but it didn't really feel all that much different from hugging her mother.

"How many years till puberty?" She whispered, winking at John.

"Too many, if you ask me."

They all sat down at the dinner table, and Tali and John both bowed their heads for prayer. They didn't notice the raised eyebrows their mothers exchanged, nor did they see the looks of shock when the two of them began, "Bless us O Lord, with these thy gifts, which we are about to revive, from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

When they finally did open their eyes, Tali and John happily dug into the food, and asked their mothers what they had been up to, and how life was going.

"Well... Good... We're very proud of you both." Kleeah started, studying her daughter carefully.

Tali noticed the looks she and John were getting, and paused with a fork full of salad on the way to her mouth. "What's wrong? Did we do something?"

"Oh no!" Hannah assured Tali, "It's just, your both acting a bit different than usual."

John set his own fork down and regarded his mother with a neutral expression. "Different how?"

"Well for starters, when did Tali learn a Christian prayer?" Hannah asked, and Kleeah nodded her agreement.

"Oh, probably halfway through our first tour on the Normandy." Tali answered breezily, thinking back to the prayers spoken aloud by both John and Ashley when they were dating. "After I heard Chief Williams and John say them often enough, I picked up on it. I didn't start saying my own until just before we took on the Collectors of course."

"The what?"

"Who's Chief Williams?"

"You know, Ashley Williams?" John prompted. "Her nickname is um, Chief."

The two mothers stared at their children and Tali quickly shoved her fork into her mouth, blushing furiously and cursing her lack of a suit and her inability to remember all those things had never actually happened as far as the two women before her were concerned.

"No, I don't think either of us knew that." Kleeah said, setting her own fork down. "The two of you had best start over and get your story straight. No one I know calls Ashley anything but her given name or Ash."

John and Tali shared a look, then nodded at one another. "The truth's probably the best option anyway." John stated.

"Agreed. Though I don't think they'll believe half of it unless that Full-Paragon guy shows up again."

"If he does, I'm punching him in the spleen."

And thus, the timely intervention of the author was forestalled by a desire not to have a disassembled lymphatic system.

"What do you mean the truth, young man?" Hannah demanded. "Start talking."

And so, together, Tali and John spun out their long tale. Of another world and time, where they were both adults from vastly different worlds. Of how John had risen up through the Alliance ranks, following in Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard's footsteps, and of how Tali had grown up on a wandering spaceship and lost her mother at an early age to a plague. Of a desperate war against the Reapers, and love blooming amidst the wreckage. How together, they had forged an Alliance of all the races, and taken the fight to the Reapers. And of the Star Child and the mysterious man called Full-Paragon who had brought them to the land of Johto.

"And so, that's what Tali was talking about, and why we've been acting so weird lately." John finished.

Tali nodded. "Yeah, it's like I'm reliving my childhood, but without the blatant racism, war against the geth, or you dying. So far, I'd say this is an improvement."

"You slept. With my daughter." Kleeah slowly said, rising from the table with a knife gripped firmly in her hand.

Hannah too arose, her eyes also filled with murder. "You're barely 11 years old, and you... Seduced Tali?"

"Whoa!" Tali cried, putting herself between the two angry mothers. "I was the one seducing HIM. I mean, I was crushing on John for nearly three years before he even noticed me. Though he was dead for two of those years."

"In point of fact, I don't think I could even get a boner right now!" John added.

Slowly, the two mothers stopped their advance. "Are you saying that the two of you are going to attempt to be intimate again?" Kleeah demanded, still brandishing the knife.

"I can't believe the two of you made up such a horrible tale just to cover the fact that you had sex!" Hannah cried, tears coming to her face. "I don't even know if I want to let you go on your Pokémon journey."

"If you don't believe us, just call Urdnot Wrex. He remembers the whole thing." Tali stated, falling into a martial arts stance as she felt John ready himself for combat.

"And what are you doing now? Why are you holding yourselves like that?" Hannah demanded.

"Um, because it's a self defense position designed to take on opponents of superior height and weight?" John offered, pivoting to cover Tali's left. "We've trained together in this sort of thing."

"But you have Pokémon. Why wouldn't you just defend yourselves with those?" Kleeah asked, pointing the knife at Tali.

Rolling her eyes, Tali motioned her mother forward. "Come at me with that like you're going to stab me mom."

"I wouldn't! I wasn't... I don't know what came over me." Kleeah protested.

"Seriously, come at me. You won't hurt me, and I promise not to hurt you beyond something superficial."

"Young lady, I have had quiet enough of-" Still holding the knife, Kleeah advanced on her daughter, who quickly put her mother into a one handed arm lock, then kicked Kleeah's feet out from under her and gently rested her other hand alongside her mother's neck.

"See? And that's in the body of a pre-pubescent girl with no weapons." Tali stated, releasing her mother and helping the wide eyed woman up. "If I had my shotgun or even a proper combat omnitool, there are a dozen different ways to take out an armed opponent without using lethal force."

"Can you do that too, Johnny?" Hannah demanded, staring wild eyed at her son.

"Well yeah, I don't have any fancy tech tricks like Tali, just lots of training and weapons. I wouldn't have lasted long in the N program if I didn't know how to take a knife from a civvie."

"Maybe we'd better call Wrex after all." Kleeah said shakily, sitting down at the table.

In a few minutes, Wrex stomped into the room. "I can't believe this, the great Commander Shepard and Ambassador Zorah need me to bail them out of going to bed with no desert. What is this, a kindergarten?"

"Give it a rest Uncle Wrex." Tali sighed. "I think I may have traumatized my mother for life?"

"What'd you do?"

"Just a basic arm lock with a leg sweep combined with a weapon knock away."

"She moved so fast!" Kleeah babbled. "How did she do that! I've never seen anyone move like that! It was like she was some sort of fighting type Pokémon!"

Wrex stared at the two pale faced women, then looked back and John and Tali, who shrugged. "What, do you people not learn how to fight?" Wrex chuckled.

"Well, some people do, but they have to train for years with fighting type Pokémon, and even then no one can go toe to toe with an actual fighting type." Hannah stated, her hands shaking around her cup of tea, most of which was now on her dress.

"You seriously relay on Pokémon for all fighting? What if there's a war, or someone comes at you with a gun?" John demanded, folding his arms across his chest. "I seriously doubt a Pokémon could take a mass accelerator round."

Hannah's eyes crossed slightly. "What's a gun?"

Kleeah shook her head. "I've never heard of a mass accelerator before."

That got Tali's attention. "Never heard of a gun? Well how do you kill enemies?"

"Kill?" Kleeah and Hannah gasped together.

"Why would you want to do that, Tali?" Kleeah pled, her eyes filling with tears. "How can you say such a horrible thing? I know that you've heard about murders from time to time and it's true that Team Cerberus has killed a few Pokémon, but surely you don't want to murder them?"

"They're Cerberus bosh'tet's. They deserve to die." Tali asserted, then caught herself. "Well, OK, not Miranda, Gabby, Ken, Gardener or Kelly. They were all right. But the ones who served the Illusive Man and the Reapers? They deserve to die."

Kleeah put her hands over her mouth and let out a low moan. Hannah looked at her son with an exasperated expression. "Please don't tell me you feel the same way."

"Hey, I already killed Kai'Leng once. Bastard deserved it," John asserted.

Wrex nodded. "Damn right he did. Collaborating with dark gods and Reapers. Every single one of them deserved nothing more and nothing less than a single round to the forehead."

"I've heard enough! Wrex, out! Hannah, we'll talk later. As for you young lady, we're going to have a talk about just what you have done to my daughter!" Kleeah declared, her eyes blazing.

Wrex stood, but he raised a claw in warning. "Just remember Kleeah, Tali is my niece. Anything happens to her, I will avenger her."

"Uncle Wrex, don't threaten my mother." Tali interjected. "I'm sure it will be nothing worse than getting grounded or spanked. And honestly, I'd take any of that just to have my mom back."

"Fine, but the offer still stands." With that, Wrex ambled out, followed by a pale faced Hannah who had her hands tightly gripping John's shirt.

That left Tali alone with her mother, who pulled a chair around to sit next to her daughter. "You weren't making any of that up, were you?" Kleeah sighed.

Tali shook her head. "Nope. We left some of the worst bits out. There were a lot of bad things. Like dad dying when the geth he was working on activated."

"Killed by geth? That's impossible!" Kleeah gasped. "The geth would never hurt anyone, they are the most peace of all the races."

By way of reply, Tali shrugged. "That doesn't mean much in the galaxy I remember."

Tears started flowing freely down Kleeah's face, and she gently put out a hand to stroke Tali's face. "Ancestors, what has happened to my little girl."

Taking her mother's hand in her own, Tali smiled gently. "I'm still your little girl mom. I'll ALWAYS be your little girl. You have no idea how much it means to me to be able to spend time with you again. Whatever that Full-Paragon character did, at least this is a gentler world."

For a moment, Kleeah closed her eyes and kept her hand on Tali's face. When she opened her eyes, they were still dark with tears, but she nodded. "Alright. I believe you. I'm not sure what's going on, but I love you Tali, and I trust you."

"Thanks mom," Tali said, her own eyes misting up. They shared a long hug, and Tali allowed the tears to flow freely. She hadn't thought to see her mother again this side of heaven, that much was sure. To be held in her arms again was all the reward Tali needed.

After a long discussion with her mother, Tali decided she would go on the "Pokémon Pilgrimage" with John. She was a tad reluctant at first simply because she wanted to spend more time with her mother, but she also needed to track down her father. He was some sort of influential Pokémon expert, and Tali would be expected to defeat him in a Pokémon battle. If it had been sort of actual contest of arms, Tali knew she would have her father cold, at least in her old body. With Pokémon though, she wasn't sure.

As she lay in her bed, Tali let her Cyndaquil out of its ball and snuggled up with it, enjoying the heat in her arms. It was pretty amazing, being able to go suitless all the time and have her very own pet, almost as awesome as getting a second chance with her parents. She drifted off to sleep, dreaming happily of a bright future.

When she awoke, she-

"What are you doing?"

Huh?

"I can hear your voice Full-Paragon. What are you doing?"

Er, narrating your story Tali. I think.

"I can hear you in my dream. I have some questions for you."

Uh, well, OK. Shoot.

"Why did you put us in this world? Why change everything? Are you like Kelly's gods? Are you related to Jeebus somehow? What about the Reapers, are they gone?"

Aw geeze, where do I start? I guess you could say I'm just a story teller, and apparently my story has a bit more life to it. Actually, I'm probably kind of insane, because I'm sitting here typing out a conversation with one of my characters.

"Huh? A story teller? So your why my father died? I might have to hurt you."

Ack! No, no, it's not like that! See, the stories just happen, I just record them, I guess. Ugh, this is getting far to meta. But anyway, your story changed do to what I guess we can chalk up as a cosmic coincidence. I tried to write the story on April 1st, and it caused a fluctuation. Probably because I wanted to prank my readers.

"That makes no sense."

Hey, you asked.

"Why Pokémon though?"

Well, I wanted you to have a happy, sort of care free story. There'll still be problems you have to solve and trials to undergo, but I think this one will be as you described it, a softer world.

"I guess that makes sense. Sort of. You're still weird."

Thank you. I endeavor to be so. Now wake up. This is driving me crazy.

Tali awoke with the first rays of dawn, squinting into the light and shaking her head. It was odd to wake up dirt side, she had never spent a full day on a planet save Halistrom, and those were not pleasant memories by any stretch of the imagination. Hard to believe that for all intents and purposes, all that had never happened.

"Lewie!" Tali suddenly gasped, hurrying over and pulling on some cloths and padding over to her mother's room.

"Mom, have heard ever heard of Lewie or Ven'Orra?" Tali asked, scrabbling up onto her mother's bed.

Her mother jerked awake, then blinked twice. "Orra? Can't say that I have. Why?"

Tali sighed and slid to the edge of the bed. "Never mind. Friends I lost. Maybe they don't even exist here."

"The world is a big place. Maybe your friends are out there somewhere." Her mother mumbled, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "Why are you up so early."

"I'm not used to sleeping dirtside. Or having more than 8 hours of down time in a 24 hour cycle. Guess I better get dressed, it's my pilgrimage day." Tali slid off the bed and padded to her room, leaving behind her confused and tired mother.

Searching through her possessions, Tali found that she had more clothing than any one person could ever reasonably expect to wear. She knew how many clothes Kelly or Dr. Chakwas had in their possession, and surely three sets of uniforms, two work, one dress, and a set of civilian clothes were enough for anyone. Even if you included combat armor, that was only four sets of clothes. In her drawers and closet, Tali surely had dozens! It was a waste if you asked her. She picked out three sets of the sturdiest and most practical looking ones, she had very little interest in pink sparkly Pokémon or hearts, and put them in a haversack her mother had gotten her. That one was in a lovely shade of purple, Tali's favorite color. The embroidery was a bit subdued, and the flowers and odd looking pokemon gave it character. She pulled on a set of shoes, it still felt odd to wear them, and tromped down stairs.

Her mother was in the kitchen, making breakfast and waved to her. "You look already to go. I still can't believe it, my little girl is nearly grown."

Tali gave her mom a big hug and held it for several seconds. "I'm just glad you can be here mom."

Breakfast was a simple affair of dextro porridge. Tali recognized the grain from her time on Rannoch with the geth, and wondered what life would be like with no Morning War, no history of hatred. A softer world. It had a ring to it.

She met John and his mother on the way to the main road. Hannah looked tired, but content, and stepped aside to talk quietly with Kleeah.

"Problems last night?" Tali asked.

John shrugged. "Nothing I couldn't handle. Once I explained to mom that I was still the same person, just with a few different experiences, she calmed down. I'm pretty sure she thinks I hallucinated everything and then convinced you to sleep with me still though."

"Not like we can try that again for a while," Tali laughed.

"Eh, if it was worth the wait the first time, it will be worth the wait time the second I figure."

Tali laughed and smacked the back of his head. "Bosh'tet."

Their mothers finished talking and came over to give both of their children hugs. "I don't know what's happening, but I still wish you luck on your Pokémon Journey. Both of you." Hannah said, giving Tali a quick squeeze. "But if he so much as touches you..."

"Relax Hannah," Tali laughed, "not for a few more years at least."

"A lot more years." Hannah muttered darkly, but she tried to smile.

**"And so, Tali's secret is revealed - underneath that suit, she's secretly a KGB agent. Wait, that can't be right. I knew I shouldn't have tried to read this in the shower."**

If it wasn't for the fact you've already killed my narrator, you would be so fired blu.


	3. Chapter 3

**Pokémon: Normandy! Episode 3: Look out, Team Cerberus's Dastardly Assault!**

_Last time on Pokémon Normandy, our heroes left on their Pokémon journey, determined to be the very best, like no one ever was! Also, hit puberty!? What is this, the Japanese version? You sick bastards…_

The sun was shining bright, there were grass and trees everywhere, and Tali was going for a walk with John. Life couldn't be more beautiful. Even if she was suddenly a young girl in a strange land.

"So, what exactly do you think we're supposed to do on our 'Pokémon Journey?'" John asked, giving Tali's hand a light squeeze.

Tali shrugged, clearly not concerned about such a minor matter as the plot. "I don't know, everyone's going on about gyms and being a pokémon champion and catching them all, whatever that means. Honestly, I just want to go see my father. I'm torn between hugging him because he's alive and slapping him for being such a bosh'tet."

"I'm with you there. Personally I'd like to figure out just why pokémon exist. I mean, where did they come from, what are they for?"

"I'll show you what Pokémon are for, Shepard!"

Tali and John glanced to the side, where Garrus had just rose out of the bushes. "I'm your rival, so naturally, it's my job to educate you properly! Prepare for a pokémon battle!"

"Seriously?" John asked, giving Garrus a bemused expression. "Garrus, I know we've had our little competitions, but you're my friend, not my arch nemesis."

"Duh, that's not what a rival is!" Garrus stepped onto the road, his tiny green pokémon at his side. "We help each other grow stronger and learn about pokémon together! Our battles will sharpen our skills, and allow us to one day reach the top of Pokémon perfection!"

"Chika!" Garrus's pokémon affirmed.

Sighing, John nodded and took a pokéball from his belt. "Alright, fine, I guess it couldn't hurt to try. Though I'm still wondering if this constitutes animal cruelty. Kelly would have a conniption if she saw this."

"Have a what if I saw a who now?" Kelly popped out of the grass on the other side, and Tali rolled her eyes. "Is the entire crew hiding out in the bushes around here?"

"What, you mean the other kids?" Kelly asked, coming over with a new pokémon at her side, one Tali hadn't seen before. It looked vaguely like a…

"SPIDER!" Tali leaped in the air and withdrew her own pokéball, throwing it at the ground. "Ahhh! Tr'zul, protect me!"

"Cynda!" Tr'zul erupted from the pokéball, which somehow bounced back at Tali, nearly hitting her in the forehead until she grabbed it out of the air at the last possible moment.

Kelly squealed with pleasure, grinning hugely as she hopped up and down in place. "Yes! We get to be rivals too! I just caught this totally awesome bug pokémon! We can have a fight while I test out my new spinarak. I named her Smiley, 'cause she's got a smiley face on her back!"

"Kelly, get that thing away from me!" Tali protested, cowering behind her tiny pokémon. "It looks like a rachni! I hate those things! Ugh, it's like that time Garrus put a spider in my toolbox."

"I don't remember doing that…" Garrus mused. "I thought I put one in your lunchbox. It was just a toy though."

The small green bug pokémon at Kelly's feet looked around, trying to figure out what was going on. "Spin?"

"Don't worry Smiley, we'll show Tali how awesome bug pokémon are!" Kelly cheered.

Tali frantically activated her omnitool and pulled up the battle program. Normally she was willing to handle her fights herself, but she drew the line at spiders. That's what boyfriends and combat drones were for, and right now Tz'zul was the closest thing to a combat drone she had. "Tr'zul, kill it with fire! Ember!"

"Quil!" Tz'zul's back lite up with a bright flame, and a few small sparks few through the air, smoldering out before they got halfway to the horrible creature Kelly had found.

"Warning: Pokémon experience not sufficient to perform Ember attack. Additional battle training recommended before attempting," Tali's omnitool beeped.

Eyes gleaming, Kelly pointed right at Tr'zul. "Now's our chance Smiley! Poison sting!"

"Rak!" the tiny spider opened its horrible maw, and out spewed a stream of needle sharp stingers that peppered Tr'zul. The little fire pokémon squealed in anguish, turning an ugly purple color.

"Warning: Pokémon poisoned. Damage inflected over time."

"No! We'll have to end this quickly. Tz'rul, use the tackle!"

Tali's brave little monster hurled itself into the foe, bashing the spider to the ground. "Cyndaquil!"

"Get away Smiley, use your string shot!" Kelly ordered.

Sticky strings coated Tz'zul, slowing her down as she continued to try to tackle her opponent.

"Don't give up! Squash that bug!" Tali pleaded, shying away from Kelly's monster.

But the strings combined with the poison proved too much for the little pokémon, and Tz'rul collapsed, breathing shallowly.

"Alright! Awesome job, Smiley! Come on back now." Kelly held out a pokéball, and a beam of red light flashed out to envelop the spider, finally removing it.

Tali breathed a sigh of relief and hurried over to her little pokémon, picking up her battered and bruised critter. She felt slightly panicky: she'd never had a pet before and had no idea how to take care of it. Tz'rul's breathing was shallow, and it was still the sickly purple color. Remembering the healing machine back in Saren's lab, Tali turned to run back and cure her pokémon.

"Hey, where are you going Tali? Don't you have any potions or antidotes?" Kelly asked, putting a hand on her friends shoulder.

"No, I don't even know what those are. I need to take Tz'rul back to Saren's lab to heal him, he looks very sick. Maybe I shouldn't have been fighting with him."

"Oh relax, he's just fainted. It's almost impossible to actually kill a pokémon. Here, I've got an antidote and a super potion right here, that should fix the little guy right up."

Taking out two spray bottles and what looked like an epi-pen, Kelly administered the medicine to the little pokémon. No sooner than she'd been pricked and sprayed did Tz'rul lift her head and smile up at Tali. "Cyndalquil?" It asked mournfully.

"Shhh, it's OK, I won't make you fight again, you did great."

"Quil!" Tz'rul hopped up in Tali's arms, flexing her tiny upper legs.

"Looks like she still wants to fight!" Kelly laughed.

"Weird. I never want to fight right after I get that beat up."

"Pokémon are tough, and they love to fight, that's just how things are. Don't you have more pokémon to help Tz'rul in battle?"

"No, I've just got this one, how would I even get more? And keep away that spider thing, I hate spiders. I definitely don't want one of those."

Garrus and John joined the girls, having concluded their own pokémon battle with predictable results. Poor Garrus.

"Geeze, if Johnny had more pokémon I bet I'd have won, my spearow wasn't though enough to take out his totodile," the turian boy grumped.

John shrugged, looking slightly baffled. "I admit I sort of just spammed claw. Seemed like it was working and I don't understand what's going on well enough to try to change tactics."

"Well, aren't you two going to catch more pokémon?" Kelly demanded. "That's why me and Garrus are still here, we figured we catch a few of the local types before we moved on."

"I haven't the foggiest how I'd even do that," John admitted. "I got a bunch of balls that they go in, but they're all empty."

"Oh spirits, come on, I'll show you, it's easy!" Garrus dragged John off into the bushes, where the sound of pokémon fighting could soon be heard.

Tali eyed Kelly, putting her hands on her hips. "No spiders. That's my only rule."

Kelly rolled her eyes and made a face. "Fine, we'll find you some non-bug pokémon. Geeze, you've always been like this you know?"

"As long as we have that straight." Tali followed Kelly into the bushes, where the human girl began to randomly stomp through tall grass and shake trees.

"What are you doing?" Tali asked, trying not to smile at her friends antics.

"Looking for pokémon, duh. They hide in tall grass and trees, didn't you know that?"

"It's a whole new world for me," Tali admitted, allowing herself to smile at her friend. Kelly just looked at her like she'd gone bosh'tet.

After a few minutes of Kelly stomping around, Tali turned away and started to creep through the grass as quietly as she could, hoping to avoid any spiders. She was starting to think she was succeeding, when something wriggly and large plopped on her back. Tali lept up, screaming in panic and reaching for Tz'rul's pokeball as she despretly tried to get the spider off of her.

"SPIDER SPIDER SP-"

Tali stopped mid-sentence as she finally caught sight of what was tormenting her. It wasn't a spider at all, but rather a little golden worm with a red horn in the shape of a "Y" on its head. Well, kind of little, it was as big as her hand was. "Oh, you're not a spider."

"Caterpie!" and then the bosh'tet worm spat string all over Tali's face.

With a snarl, Tali grabbed the worm and smacked it on the ground, twice. It was still spewing string, so Tali stomped on it until it flipped over on its back and curled up in a little ball. Nodding in approval, Tali picked the worm up and held it up to her glowing eyes. "Now you listen here you little bosh'tet. You're going to do what I tell you. I caught you, so we're going to get you some medicine and then you have to be my combat drone. Pokemon. Whatever."

The little worm nodded fanatically, trembling in Tali's hand. Tali nodded in satisfaction and headed back to the cacophony Kelly was making. "Hey, I caught one."

The racket ceased, and Kelly poked her leaf covered head up. "What? Do you even have a pokeball?"

"Of course not, I just beat the stuffing out of this bosh'tet after it attacked me."

Eyes wide with shock, Kelly rushed over and gasped in horror when she spied the little pokémon in Tali's hands. "Omigoshwhatdidyoudo!"

"Just smacked it around a bit to teach it who's boss. Sort of like you have to do with a new squad of marines."

"You didn't even use your pokémon? You just attacked it? Tali, that's not how you're supposed to do it!"

"Hey, it worked, didn't it Kelly? Now where do I get one of those balls to keep it in?"

"Take one of mine. Come on, let's go see how John's doing, then get you to a pokémon center."

A few minutes later, they found Garrus staring blankly at the horizon as John patted him gently on the shoulder. "He just tackled it. You're not supposed to tackle a pokémon. That's just wrong."

"Hey, relax, it was just a few basic take down moves. The little guy was strong, but it wasn't so bad," John was saying. He too had another pokeball on his belt, and Tali nodded in approval. They were doing well on their Pilgrimage.

"I got a worm. What did you get?"

"Some sort of giant stag-beetle. It actually was pretty tough to take down, but once I got it pinned it tapped out pretty quick. Gave me a few bruises, but nothing I haven't gotten before."

"You wrestled a HERACROSS?" Kelly gasped, putting her hands to her face in horror. "That's a fighting type! You could have been seriously injured."

"That's what medigel is for," John answered, glancing at Tali in amusement. They'd been shot, stabbed, blown up, spaced and even tackled by vicious krogan battlemaster. Fighting a little monster thing wasn't so bad, not compared to a thresher maw or a varren.

"You are both insane," Garrus growled, his mandibles dropping. Then he shook his head. "Come on, we'd best get to the next town and heal up our pokémon, they're all pretty beat up."

No sooner did Garrus utter those words than malevolent laughter echoed through the woods.

"Well well well, Aria, what do we have here?"

"I believe it's four lost and lonely children with some poor, weak Pokémon, Kai-Leng."

A small cat like thing Tali half remembered from somewhere dropped down. "Well, if that's the case, we should relieve these children of them. Obviously, they're in capable of-"

SHEPARD PUNCH! "I FIND YOUR VERACITY TO OF A QUESTIONABLE NATURE!" John lept forward, using a driving uppercut to send the cat thing flying off into the sky. He paused, grinning viciously. "You know, for some reason, I feel like I've wanted to do that for YEARS."

Something clicked in Tali's mind and she nodded. "Oh, right, that's somehow that reporter who's been bugging you since you became a Spectre, right?"

"You little twerps, you'll pay for that!" Aria cried, jumping down and tossing out a pokeball. "Go, Ekans!"

"You can't do that to us, we're team Cerberus!" Kai-Leng declared, dropping down from the tree he'd been hiding in. "Go Koffing!"

"Dibs on Kai-Leng, you got to kill him last time," Tali whispered.

"Fine, but we're interrogating Aria. I want to know why she's working with Cerberus. She hates them!"

Tali sprinted forward, leaping into the floating gas ball with a flying kick. It spun off towards the horizon, and Kai-Leng was next. First Tali kneed him in the groin, then she grabbed his arm and dislocated the shoulder with a snap. She followed that with a punch square to the Cerberus operative's nose. To her shock, he suddenly flipped up towards the sky, just as John delivered a round house kick to Aria and see two flew off into the distance. Unbeknownst to the two former Mass Effect characters, the Pokemon world operates much like a Super Smash Bros stage: if you inflict lethal damage your opponents just fly off, not become reduced to a pile of bleeding organs and bile.

Looking up into the sky, Tali shook her head in disgust. "Cowards. Always running off instead of standing and fighting."

"Well yeah, you two are scary!" Garrus burst out. He and Kelly were clutching tightly to each other, looking at Tali and Shepard like they were monsters. "People don't fight, only pokémon fight!"

John just smiled, a dangerous light in his eyes. "That's not what the Archangel of Omega would say. Looks like that Full-Paragon goon screwed this up worse than I thought. I can accept a happier world, but not one where no one can fight. Come over here, Garrus, I'll teach you a basic submission hold."

"You too Kelly," Tali motioned her friend forward. "If we're going to wander around with monsters that can fight, at least you need to know some basic self-defense."

With a whimper, the two other children complied, reluctantly stepping forward to once again learn the ways of war. Wait, crap, that isn't in my script! HELP!

**********Pokémon Normandy**********

Far away, in another place where people were hopefully following the plot, the author checked in on the bad guys. Who were still not nice people, but not soul-crushingly evil anymore. A blue eyed man with silver hair was taking a long draw on a cigarette, because even in children's shows he wasn't giving up THAT habit. "So, you've run across two children that have incredible power and rare pokémon?"

"Yes, Illusive Man," Aria affirmed, keeping her face pressed to the richly carpeted floor. "One of them had a shiny caterpie, one that would fetch a great price in the black market. She defeated it with her own two hands."

"Yes, and both have the rare pokémon from Saren. We've never been able to find out where he gets them from, and they would surely fetch a high price if we could get a breeding pair," Kai-Leng agreed.

The blue eyed man nodded, taking another long draw on his cigarette. "Very well. Continue to monitor them. If you can, get their pokémon and learn how they've obtained such great power for themselves. You're dismissed."

The two operatives scurried out of the room, leaving the Illusive Man to his thoughts. He smiled. "Well Full-Paragon, looks like things aren't going according to your plan after all."

Wait, what? Oh crap…

Blue Ninja walked just far enough on screen to be seen, while using the wonderfully gloomy shadows of TIM's hideout to keep his face concealed. "See? I told you it wouldn't take much to screw up this crummy world."

TIM nodded, flicking the last of his cigarette into an ash tray. "So, what is the plan for tonight?"

"The same thing we do every night, TIMmy – try to take over the world!" He threw back his head and started a clichéd maniacal laugh.

"But I already took over the world," TIM said, brows furrowed as he pulled out another cigarette.

"Er, what?"

"Seriously. I'm the most powerful man in the world." TIM lit the cigarette.

Blue Ninja frowned, though it was invisible in the gloomy shadows. "So why are you screwing with Shepard and Tali?"

"Everyone needs a hobby. Besides, how better to piss off Full Paragon?" The two men shared a grin.


End file.
